April 30, 2004
De-motivators
The other day, while cleaning the inside windows of an office building, i saw a bunch of those terrible motivational posters. This reminded me of depair.com. Here's one of my favorites
April 24, 2004
29 going on dead
I never thought i'd live pass 30. Even as a child i could never imagine myself as an old man. I always thought i'd die early, in a motorcycle accident or of some rare disease, or shot by a stray bullet... But i'm only months away from my birthday/deadline. I feel a sense of urgency to what i do now. Its like asking the question 'what do i want to accomplish before i die?' but now its 'before i'm 30?' (in 8 months). My mother asked me the other day, if i wanted to settle down, what i would want to do and where? I only half jokingly told her "I want to do everything everywhere." so this got me thinking about what i'm going to do... it scares me a little.
What will my goals for my life really accomplish? Is there any lasting effect but what i learn? What kind of legacy will i be leaving? (Or is this question just pride; can anyone make a difference?)... its the fatalist in me again...
I've realized that i'm afraid to settle down. Buy a house and get a steady job? I'm afraid it will be a compromise or selling out in some way. I believe that moving to a different country is the best way to learn. (I'm thinking about moving to Senegal, after my debt is paid)... But what if the most important lesson is to stay? I think i might be opting out in a way by constantly moving; not establishing roots. This transitory life is an excuse to prevent me from facing the things i'm most afraid of, personal emotion risk. That is, i'm afraid of truly facing the fear of my own insecurity. I'm not afraid of moving to a different country, cultural differences aren't that threatening to me. What is however, is letting people in, and accepting responsibility for my own destiny. I'm almost 30, I think its time to move on and "leave childish things behind"...